Manifestas

3 months ago: The counsellor asked how bad I wanted the diploma. I answered “desperately badly” without even thinking whether I wanted it or not. I was being referred to a therapist and was prescribed prozacs.

2 months and 2 weeks ago: Mom got married. Again. I stopped my medication and refused to go for my therapy and counselling sessions. I avoided a lot, and I mean A LOT, of people and I kept to myself most of the time.

2 months ago: I was serious on not going back to TP and had researched on courses that I would be happy in. Also, I’d planned my finance for the future - debts, bills, etc.

1 month & 3 weeks ago: I was offered a job at my uncle’s office.

1 month & 2 weeks ago: I quitted my job upon learning that my uncle opened a vacancy out of sympathy for me.

1 month ago: I spent about a whole month looking for jobs that I could do while paying my bond & part-time education after my deferment is over. I picked up an inspirational card from a shop in Eastpoint that said something like “courage is to pick yourself up from where you had fallen”. I thought it was all crap and I continued to be dishonest to myself.

1 week ago: I learnt that the only jobs that I could do with my current qualification are crappy customer service, crappy admin jobs, crappy temp data-entry and more crappy shit. I said to myself that I don’t wanna do crappy things for crappy people just to earn a crappy life for myself.

5 days ago: I became madly confused that I almost wanted to call the MOE officer to say that I wanna quit and please just gimme a job so I can pay my bond for $400/month for 10 years coz I’m sick of thinking about it and I just want to get it done and over with. I became obsessed into believing that it would be impossible to continue in TP coz I’ve “severed ties” with my therapist and counsellor and in order to start in April 2006 would to send a doctor’s letter to the Registrar 2 months prior stating that I would be OK to start school. Plain impossible. Full stop.

4 days ago: I realised that 1 year is simply too short..

3 days ago: ..and that 1 year is all it takes for me to get it over and done with in TP. And that’d be it. The next step would just be another year. And that would be another story. I got another job assisting doctors in a specialist clinic. A day was all it took for me to see that although people may be angry with the doctor for taking so long to examine a patient, the spit would always be on the assistant. I learnt another oxymoronic word - patient.

2 days ago: The question that the counsellor asked came back to me - how bad do I want the diploma. I realised the answer that I gave her back then wasn’t the answer to her question. Rather it was an answer to the question how bad my parents and people around me wanted me to have the diploma. About the job, I sorta like it a bit (coz it involves science) but it simply was uncomfortable wearing a short “nurse” dress in public after covering for like, YEARS. Also, it wasn’t as if I needed to support anyone or pay for anything except for myself, so why should I kick aside my belief & principle just to submit to crappy uniform regulations to please people’s eyes (although it might not be pleasing to see me in short skirt, trust me.) and to earn $6.50/hour?!

***

I started to think about how things have been quite a joke for me. About how complex the mind and heart work things out just to get a consensus, just to get to a simple solution. Suddenly everything starts to be clear. I’ve not been to therapy sessions, so what? I can always schedule an appointment, continue regular sessions, be medically healthy and get the doctor’s approval. I’ve been avoiding my counsellor who had been wanting to give me money for medication, so what? I can call to apologize for not appreciating the extent that she had gone to just to keep me going, I can schedule an appointment to have regular conversations and she would give a positive review of me to my lecturers. Lecturers giving me the “this-girl’s-got-no-hope” look, so what? To gain respect is to earn it. Whose fault is it if I don’t do well?

It’s not just about the diploma. It’s about reputation. My reputation. My abilities and capablities. My effort. The shit that I’ve went through. The proudest moments. The time wasted and fulfilled. The jobs that I can get. The money that I can get. The future that I can build. Most importantly, the future that I want I can build.

I look forward to school now. Genuinely.