Manifestas

I still have trouble sleeping at night but I’ve decided not to be dependant on those sleeping pills. Usually I’d wake up in the afternoon and, by that time, my body would feel icky and smell undeniably horrible. In another word, masam. Today, however, I woke up at 9am just in time to catch the results for Rockstar:INXS. Glad Jordis is still in (although I was very much disappointed at her performance last night. was very impressed with Suzie. thumbs up! not that she would ever read that but, heck!). Phew!

I had a shower at 11.25am and I felt fresh and smelt good. It was exhilarating! (you must understand - I’ve not been showering before 4pm since last week. and it’s “izwatically” proven - sticky body = lazy body :roll: ) Needed a feel-good movie so I watched Legally Blonde. Hurhur.. My VCD rack - limited. *flicks hair*

Wordless.

Have I told you I feel happy? Correction. HAPPY! *sings The Oddfellows’ So Happy* Maybe it’s the pills. Maybe I read Bridget Jones instead of Prozac Nation last night. Happy or not, both ways I’m crazy! Wooopieeeee!!

Oh yes. Even though I’ve donned it, I still think short skirt rules. To hell with big and hairy thighs! Woooooppieeeee!!! *ballets with short denim skirt around the house*

*clap clap clap* So exciting!

Reading Prozac Nation feels like my mind is being dissected like a hypnotised animal and black liquid is poured into it. Liquid that is in its purest form yet so crude. Liquid that covers every groove in my brain and encapsulate every atom of my sanity. My eyes yearn to cry with the unbearable truth of the book yet my mouth itches to laugh at its negativity. It nestles my flaws with its comforting mortar but pounds and crushes my conscience with an invisible pestle.

Everytime I shut the book, the crude liquid congeals and ooze through the cavities of my skull, and exit through my nostrils as phlegm. Sanity embraces me and my head feels lighter. I smile at the phrase Happiness is a choice.

Still, the book haunts me and convinces me to continue reading its contents. And the cycle is repeated. Over and over again.

It’s been 2 days without the pills. I think they really help me.

The mind is a labyrinth
where pieces of sanity scatter
and hide in every corner

where answers can be so detailed
yet can be so discreet

where the ultimate stands still
and the organic constantly metamorph to what the heart wills

***

The pressure is too great
that it paralyses the head
Uncoil it! Uncoil it!

I’ve been ordering McD’s and Pizza Hut’s deliveries for weeks. It’s unhealthy, I know. But I feel like a lazy freak who refuses to walk to the nearby shops. A lazy freak who refuses to even walk. Sometimes I can’t even make toast for myself anymore. If I’m not at all hungry, I bet I can’t even chew. And that would be a good thing because I’d shed some weight from my body. Then again, it would still be pointless because it wouldn’t shed any weight from my heart.

I watched like a retard as Apek cleaned and mopped my house. My mind told me to help but my body was too paralysed to do anything. It was insane. I felt like a vegetable. I felt like a rotten vegetable that has been stepped and crushed by millions of shoes. Maybe it was one of my swings. Maybe it was due to lack of sleep last night. Maybe, maybe.

***

3.30am countdown:
Tick goes the clock
Blink goes my eye
Tire fills the body
Fire filths the mind

Pop goes the pill
Sleep may I will

I wondered why I was easily agitated these few days (especially yesterday when I really couldn’t control my rage. the truth is, I didn’t really mean what I wrote. *sigh*). Dr T told me that it was due to the increase in my medication dosage. So there was no cause to worry. She examined me earlier this morning and gave me positive remarks about my condition. Overall, I’ve improved. She hasn’t allowed me to go job-hunting yet because I’m still not quite stable (ref: yesterday’s entry. the third last one to be specific). I told her about the hallucination and expected some theories from her. Too bad. She merely nodded and noted it in my case booklet.

I headed down to CGH after my appointment to get four weeks of prozacs. As usual, being lazy and it was raining bla bla bla, I took a cab. I realised that the driver’s name was “Chee Kuai”, meaning “strange” in Mandarin. And I thought, very chee kuai indeed.

All in all, today was an OK day for me. I ended my outdoors with a plate of Banquet’s grilled dory with rice.

Have I mentioned that it is my favourite?

It just feels like yesterday. Yesterday when I saw them at the breakfast table about 7am. Yesterday when he poked his index finger lightly on her shoulder. Yesterday when I heard him laugh and saw her smile.

It just feels like yesterday. Yesterday when I was a brat who woke her up when she snored just because I couldn’t sleep with the nasal orchestra. And I was the brat who woke her up just because I couldn’t sleep after watching a scary show. And I was the brat who was always thankful she would wake up without complaints to chat with me in the wee hours of the night.

It just feels like yesterday. Yesterday when he would make silly faces at me when I looked at him. When he would fart and blamed me for it. And he would laugh about it. And I would laugh too because I would fart after him. And she would also laughed.

It sure feels like yesterday. Yesterday when she was suddenly weak. And when she grew stronger, I thought there was hope. Hope for me to be able to do more for her. But her toes went as pale as sheet, as cold as ice. I rubbed her arm and called her gently. Her eyes that had suddenly turned lifeless and grey was trying to search for me. I tried to hide my tears even though I knew she couldn’t see me. I tried to hide my tears even though I could sense it was time.

It sure feels like yesterday. Yesterday when the walking stick had lost its purpose. Yesterday when their room became his room. And he filled it with smoke. Smoke so thick, it couldn’t even fade or hide his sadness. His loneliness. His love.

Empty.

It sure feels like yesterday. Yesterday when he made me laugh for the last time. His face looked different; his skin fairer, his eyes puffy. But I didn’t sense anything. I last saw his smile at the bookshop where I left him. And the next thing I knew, he laid on the dry tiles of the bathroom like a sleeping child. He left. And he left alone.

For both moments, my heart felt as though it had been trampled on. It felt as though it had been squished and life was slowly oozing out of it. What was left was just a lifeless prune - so small, so sour. My body trembled uncontrollably. My breathing was full of hiccups. My throat became thick as though it was full of lava of bitterness. My soul cried without an end.

It was just yesterday. Yesterday that I felt like that again. Like what I had felt many times. The only difference was that I didn’t pretend that I was strong. I let my self be weak. I let my self weep with my soul. I wept and I cried out loud that I miss them so much. I miss my grandparents so much.

It was yesterday that I cried a lot. And somehow I felt comforted.

They are talking about me. And it’s driving me crazy. They said they are concern about me. And they are discussing about me. They are talking about me. I cannot stand it. Why can’t they just shut up? Why must they make it as though my life is so mysterious that they need to analyse and talk about me?

They don’t know me. They DO NOT know me.

So what if I’m unwell? So what if I’m crazy?

Does that make me an idiot that you can discuss about my issues openly in front of me? Why can’t you talk behind my back? Why must you make me the subject every time you meet? WHY?!

Why do you treat me like an idiot? Why do you treat me like a crazy person? Why do you see me as something foreign? Why do you see me as something so pathetic in your pathetic little eyes and pathetic little mind?

I do not need any sympathy if this is the disgrace that I get. I do not need any sympathy if you think that respect is the last thing I need.

I do not need you to talk about me.

Stop repeating and repeating and repeating!!!

Just shut up!!!

I went swimming yesterday. Usually, I would swim with my goggles on but, because the scorching heat of the Sun made the area around my eyes prickly, I just had to take it off and let the pool water cool my whole face. And so I saw the serenity as I submerged in the water. The ripples were waving smoothly as though they were dancing a slow and organised dance. It was vacuum underneath but I could hear the peace the water was whispering. Still underwater, I held my breath and let my body float. It was calm and nothing else mattered.

Surreal.

Just like when I see illusions when I know I’m awake. Calming voices that speak go straight to my ears without travelling through space. Subtle aroma that tingles my nose, I can never find its source. Maybe life is a little bit crazy and it is hard to believe. But it is what it is now.

She once told me in my dream - whatever it is, never say a thing. Maybe this is what it is for.

Life is simple. But it is never easy.

Boy, it felt really good to smell the fresh morning! I had not enjoyed morning like this ever since my routine of waking up in the late noon. Although my mood wasn’t that fantastic, I decided to drop by the gym to perk myself up.

I started my workout with the treadmill and bicycle. Bad for me, my stamina hasn’t improved. Much due to me being cooped up in the room most of the days like one fat timid dracula. (also due to the loss of serotonin, I guess) Although it wasn’t at all fun walking and cycling, I tried to boost my spirits by imagining this svelte figure that I am so dying for. For that, I managed to complete a mere 20 mins on each item. I ended my gym session with Belly Bhangra. It was not so much of the belly but hell of a Bhangra it was! Wish there were more but time did not permit.

I dropped by TP to return a library book and had to pay the fine in order to have my deferment approved. I gave the receipt to the clerk at OSC. She asked how long was my deferment. I said, about a year. “Medical?” she asked. I nodded. She said, “take care.”

Take care. It took just two words to make my day.

Only once she had told me of her experience. It happened when she was in her early 30s. She did not leave her house for almost a month and she had left it dark for as long as she was unwell. She was afraid of meeting people. She heard voices. Voices that told her that those people were bad, mean and evil. While others were scared and ignored her condition, there were kind souls who recited Quranic verses and performed prayers so that she could be well again and that the house would not be inhabited by syaitaan.

I believe her atrociously hard life lead her to be that way. I am lucky that I have some support, if not many, and that medical advances allow me to heal faster. She did not have anyone to turn to and there was no medical help for her recovery. Still, she recovered well and she was saner than most normal people. Most inspiringly, she was emotionally stronger than most.

Today was supposedly her birthday. Since her birthdate wasn’t stated in her I/C, we decided 9th August to be her birthday, in collaboration with National Day. Never did I imagine that was the only cake I would buy for her. She didn’t like the taste, but ate anyhow. For that, and many other things, I love her.

Happy National Day.

Miraculously, I woke up at 9am just in time for my medication. Nurse O reminded me to eat before popping those pills. I wanted to eat bread with margarine but I’ve run out of margarine. I heated a portion of some leftover fried macaroni in the fridge. Tasted yuck but I finished it anyway. I walked my room and saw a McDonalds pamphlet. Darn! Why didn’t I see that earlier? I looked through the pamphlet. No! I have to stop bingeing! Argggh! Freak it!

“Welcome to McDonalds. May I have your order?”
“Yes. I’d like to have a Big Breakfast Meal with the drink changed to iced Milo. I’d also like to have pancakes, ala-carte.”

I didn’t manage to finish all the food. I had left 2 remaining pancakes and a hashbrown for lunch. It was already 10.20am by the time I took my pills. “Remember, the pills will make you sleepy. Don’t worry. You can sleep a bit.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought.

By noon, I was battling to keep my eyes open. With heavy rain, cool weather, heavy meal, drowsy medicine, what more excuses do I need to sleep?

At night, I popped a sleeping pill with 2 accompanying pills. All it took was half an hour. I had never felt THAT drowsy before. Boy, I slept well. And I was proud I could wake up at 7am.

Dr T also mentioned that the medicine suppresses my appetite. Bye-bye binges.